Rooted

I had a dream Saturday night that I was on a dock overlooking a lake in Montana. Across the lake I could see two rises of mountains. The lower of the two mountains was encrusted with snow, and the higher were green. This is the opposite of real life. It means that on that dock I was looking back in time.

Saturday there was a tournament at the studio. In a way the culmination of a dream, to see people enjoying good food and wargaming on deluxe tables. And we're not done yet! Our tables are good but they could be better.

As for Sunday I don't even know where to start. Every time things go wrong (a week of bills piling up and people not paying me) it is cause for introspection, at least for me. What could I do better? And the much, much larger picture of what the hell is going on in this Earth life. In 2008 I thought it was time for me to depart this world, but the train has rushed by and here I am still. So what should I do? Hunker down like a prisoner marking the walls? Play it safe or push out to do something great? And is there even such a thing as great on this little planet, one of many trillions in the universe?

If the divine wind is at my back, then why are there setbacks? Or am I just being a whiny little bitch?

It is with trepidation I put fingers to keyboard to even speak of this. How can something so nuanced that I can't even hold it down mentally be put into words?

Thus it was that I put on my coat and headed out for a walk. I turned south to the border of the Spanish Fork plateau. I stretched out my mind to the heavens. Or am I just talking to myself like some insane person? I challenged God. If you are unwilling or unable to guide me, to illuminate me, to tell me what is going on then I call you No-God, I call you Worthless-God. A dangerous business to be sure, and certainly for a wretched sinner like me. But what is there left to do? My life was ever thine. Tell me what is going on!

There is a cul de sac there with an empty lot so there is no building blocking the view. The mountains are white and brooding with snow, stark lines of black pines wrapped around them like barbed wire. The wind was strong, pushing trains of fog-banks up into the ravines, a white sun raging behind them. And below the valley, rain-slicked houses and roads glimmering or darkening again. Then the threads of pale green farmland and rows of yellow or charcoal trees.

I must have appeared a strange sight to any looking out from a house window; stock still for about a half hour staring intently out at the sky. I got answers and plenty of them. I accept this as from On High. God spoke back. But even if from my own mind, then I am a god-ling walking this Earth.

There are great things afoot in my region. By the end the land will be developed as a near-paradise. The cities will be as beautiful as temple grounds, and temples will be made of things that we scarcely imagine. Translucent blocks of ultra-dense stone-composite. From the sky they will look like jewels.

The list of my wildest ambitions, even carte blanche whatever I can think of, is still pathetic compared to what can be, what God has in store. There is only a paper-thin veneer between

I must be prepared. My marriage has to be strong enough to be prospered. It's easier to be young, broke and happily married than it is to be... old and rich. Wealth is a terrible thing. It's an echo of our divine heritage. It allows for an ever-broadening array of possibilities. Unlimited wish-granting, for example, can make a soul fly apart. I can't explain it well. I am too unwise to handle that power. I have to strengthen my already strong marriage and consolidate my family life. My character must be improved. Things that are crack-sized flaws now will become unstoppable breaches unless I am prepared properly, as a person. I must have the right perspective.

I already have it all. Now is a golden age. I live in a rose-brick cottage with my loving wife and darling children who rush to hug me when I get home. My home is a place of peace and happiness.

All time is compressed into a single point. Our souls jump around on it like a laser beam on a DVD. The illusion of time moving. So, I am seeing it wrong.

God is good and generous. He is wise to not give me too much. Wise to give me the right things at the right time. Even my challenges are only to weave my soul into something stronger.

--Shawn

PS- as usual I'm claiming any special virtue. I'm also not trying to be dogmatic or tell anyone what to believe. I'm just opening a window; gawk at the freak or be inspired it's all the same to me.

As an afterthought on wealth I have to say that as part of this soul-searching there are two basic paths before me: play it safe, or do something amazing. If I do something amazing then many lives can be affected positively, but it is the more stressful path. The question is: what shall I do with my earth life? I'm stuck here for the time being so I may as well get some work done. It would seem a shame just to while away the time.