Empty Hands

Preface
I just woke up. This following may be a bit cryptic, but I think I need to write it, and write it now. I make absolutely no claim to special-ness. I am not a particularly good person. I do not mean to be preachy or "Oooh I'm special". I am sure plenty of other people have insights and spiritual experiences. That said, it's apparent a lot of people read this blog and get some kind of inspiration from it. Here goes.

Empty Hands
There is no bargaining with God.

In order to receive something my hands must be empty, completely empty. I must come before the throne of Grace knowing to my very core that I have nothing to offer. Even the promise of future obedience is laughable. Personal worthiness, personal righteousness, these things are illusions. They do not exist.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

It's the first one*, and the only one in present tense. For me, I have stopped seeking after Heaven, thinking it was far away. I realized I was already in Heaven. Time is all one for God.

Before the beginning God gave man his freedom to choose. This re-programmed our souls so that we could receive something so great it was beyond comprehension. This is one of God's great challenges with His children. In order to receive we must accept. My hands must be empty. We are able to receive joy but we can also go into the next life and out of raw dreamstuff create Hellworlds for ourselves; made from guilt and punishment. He can't stop us from drinking bleach.

¹⁶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

¹⁷For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

¹⁸He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

¹⁹And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

²⁰For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.

²¹But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.

My greatest challenge in the last year has been to relax and stop fighting God, to allow him to give me what he wills. Even the bad things are good things. I am often faithless, trustless, and so I sink.

*Beatitude: Matthew 5-7 Sermon on the Mount

Post-script

I wrote this following a while back. For some reason I think now is the time to post it.

Early in the morning I wake up and for like a half hour my mind is racing. It's more clear than usual. But then I get on with my day and everything is disrupted.

In 2008 I had a dream. I have lots of dreams. They are wonderful, but there are a few where the quality is sublime. It's beyond describing, but I will try. It feels like a timeless state, drenched in joy, where colors are sharper and clearer. In some of them I see a rent in the air where a blossom of pure color and happiness is coming through. My whole soul starts to hum like a tuning fork that is stuck very hard. Without the actual experience of it, the whole thing seems like a hollow shell, and it's that experience that I can't convey through writing. I know it was real, more real than anything in this world, the entirety of my mortal experience is outweighed by it.

I think this dream is really a memory of the pre-existence, masked with some symbols so my mortal mind will be able to handle it.

I am on a ridge with a procession of other people; on a footworn path. To my left there is an expansive valley filled with thick jungle foliage. The sky above is not blue, but it has twenty blazing vari-colored suns. This is our homeworld. It is the galactic core. The procession is casual, with people in pairs or threes talking* as we go along. They are dressed in loose colorful clothing with cheerful patterns. Then ahead I see a distant temple. It looks a bit like the Timpanogas temple but a lot larger. It's atop a tall mesa of rock**, and the building comes to the very edge.

I wake up inside the temple, in a room that overlooks the previous scene. The windows go from floor to cieling. I hear a thought "oh, he's awake". As I get up I see a handful of people in the room all standing. They are listening to a central figure. This is Heavenly Father. In the center of the room is an architectural model of a temple, like the one that we are in, something that is to be created***. A woman sees me and smiles. She is my sister. Someone who I am supposed to know well, a friend and ally. Heavenly Father then breaks the gathering and the others begin to converse among themselves. He then moves across the room to stand in front of me. He touches me on the right shoulder. And that's when I know.

I am His son.
He would extinguish a trillion suns for me.
I know Him well, and personally. I can see His love for me.
I am everything in His eyes.
I am nothing compared to His greatness.
All mankind are my relatives.
He will not let me go.
I am perfectly safe. There is no condemnation.
In the Heavens, dreams, visions, and feelings are the normal way of communication.
We are a race of creators.
He takes joy in his creations, and ultimate joy in his children.
The plan of salvation really is a plan. It's a complex blueprint for how things work. Not just a series of commandments, but how our very souls are wired.

In the months following this dream I was a bit scared. I thought "who can see the face of God and live?" I thought my number was up.
It became unbearable to be in this life. Nothing in this life seemed worth staying for compared to that place.
It also seems ludicrous to go to church to seek God. Why should I go to church? Church should come to me! This vision opened a quarter-sized portal in my soul. I feel it constantly, like a light is streaming through it. How can I keep being so dark sometimes? I'm sorry for that. Of course, church is still needed just for a different reason. It's important to be around other humans.
I started to feel perfectly comfortable around people. I don't think anything could bother me. I think that Heavenly Father is pleased with his children as a whole and just feels saddened when they drink chlorine bleach.
So, now God is "that guy I met". When I pray I think about this dream. That's the being to whom I am praying. I know Him.

*in these dreams talking is really more like thinking out loud. With a glance meaning is conveyed.
**I have seen this architecture once before in a dream, on my mission, a temple that can only be accessed by flying.
***is it the Earth?