Twilight


A blog entry from Early June, 2008. I debated on whether to publish it, but here is is, on a whim perhaps:

Tonight, right around dusk, I went for a walk where the dim light of Provo lights fades to deep Sapphire, then the emerging stars and a crescent moon, like a lunar profile looking down over the Westward Mountains at the sullen glow of an obscured sun.

I can’t concentrate very long. It’s the prayer of the adult onset ADHD-er. “Father, forgive me for I can’t stop thinking about TV shows.”

But I stretched out my mind deeply as I could, making my soul rigid like a tuning fork, that perhaps I might hear a signal from deep space, something, anything.

I have important things to do. To raise my family. I have completed, or will complete soon my major task in this life—to purify a generation. My father before me was subjected to every vice of the world, and me to almost none (I found out in my last conversations with him the things that he shielded me from), and my children are in Primary learning hymns and having nightly scripture study.

I feel a deep and abiding sense like something is brewing with the Constitution. It is a spark given to man, like Prometheus’s fire, to deliver them from tyranny. That their freedoms CANNOT be taken away—they are given by almighty God. So, to get people to roll over on their rights, the first step is to get rid the Creator.

A hundred years of neglect has perhaps left it dimmed, perhaps. I am too feeble now to see things clearly. But surely it can be fanned into a blazing fire.

I don’t speak much of it, but I know for myself the nature and existence of God the Father, Christ, and the Devil. In the case of the former I thought it would make me a better man, but it didn’t. I still slacken my jaw at Victoria’s Secret ads, curse and whine at trivialities, sleep on the couch with the remote rather than in a bed with my wife, bark at my darling children over things that are not as bad as the very act of barking at them, eat twinkies instead of vegetables, and show up late to church and then only pay half-attention. Maybe that’s the point—I’m not supposed to be a good man of myself, but to acknowledge the goodness and greatness of God… and to recognize the farce that pretends to be god. I suspect that many other people have had the same experience, but don’t talk about it. In fact, I probably shouldn’t talk about it. This would explain (what appears to be) the baffling pig-headedness of “believers”. Oink.

I don’t pretend to know everything. Things unfold to me year after year. So, I make no pretensions (yes, my usual disclaimer) at being a good or righteous person. I am only a fellow-traveler.

I can say this for sure: everything ends well. If that’s what you want. What you really want. This life is the Test of the Soul. Not like a written exam type test, but an acid test. The Refiner’s Fire. One author I read from described it as a "voyage of self-discovery".

4 Comments:

Eric Danley said...

Each person has their own beliefs, and they must square those beliefs with the life the live. Your belief structure is strikingly different from mine, but it sounds as though you've come to that belief system through much self-reflection and thought. Which is something I reflect deeply.

I do however had a question, don't feel obligated to answer if you don't want to. Do you find your passions of Wargaming and D&D ever in conflict with your religious beliefs? I once had relatives offer to my parents a priest for an exorcism because I was playing D&D (2nd edition ftw) and worse yet Magic TCG.

Again, do not feel the need to answer if it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm curious.

bluetablepainting said...

Thank you for your comments, Eric. It's nice to get comments of any kind, and I'm in the habit of publishing anything that's civil-like even if it is different.

I must point out that I didn't say "believe", I said "know for myself". It's a shot in the dark, but I hope someone reading this blog will be intrigued and start to *seek* in earnest.

I know for a certainty that there is an Almighty God. I learned more about him in three seconds than in all the hours and days of study and reading that came before. He is a Planner. He considers each soul with loving and tender kindness. He takes the long view.

Now, for your question: I get asked this regularly, and I think I've answered it on this blog. I love being a Mormon because of the Clarity. There is a simple litmus test to be a Mormon in Good Standing, fifteen questions, administered by a Bishop (usually). There is nothing about D&D on there, directly or indirectly. Of course, this is a lesser matter, spiritual life and a relationship with Heavenly Father is much more fundamental.

I think that D&D is basically a good pursuit; a good use of time that enlivens the mind, no more evil than reading The Hobbit. Probably more useful.

Nothing really makes me uncomfortable.

And there you have it.

arrowacks said...

Still, I find your prediliction for especially "Kahornate" imagery puzzling. I mean, aren't "Khorne" and "The Bloodthirster" archetype Devil images?

BTW I am an agnost with a fascination for what moves deeply spiritual/religious people...

bluetablepainting said...

Thank you for the comment arrowjacks.

My personal opinion is that lucifer's agenda is more manifest in an episode of "Friends" or "Desperate Housewives" (and for the record I have both watched, loved, then spurned both of those shows) than in all the various Daemon codexes combined.

I think that there's a difference between real evil and fake evil. I find Codex: Daemons of Chaos to be light and humorous.

What worries me is when I use authoritarianism and coercion on my wife or children. *That's* a real evil, and one I should be worried about and speedily repent of. For Example.

In Mormon cosmology, the war in heaven is not fought over good and evil, but over freedom/responsibility vs coercion/lack-of-responsibility.

Again, I don't pretend to know it all. But the puzzle is shaping up nicely. I'm surprised I'm still left alive.

 

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